Effective Conscious Parenting Tips |Community Improvements for Children Parenting-Robert Saul Shares

Effective Conscious Parenting Tips |Community Improvements for Children Parenting-Robert Saul Shares

[Music] hey everybody it’s your favorite gentleman marcus norman of gentlemen style podcast show and today you all are in for a treat this is last but not least i have a special guest tuning in to the gentleman style podcast show this man is a medical professional pediatrician by trade but he is here to help us talk about his activities with the community and how he has impacted the lives of children you won’t want to miss one second of this dynamic speaker stay tuned stay with us stain gauge as we proceed here we go [Music] hey everybody it’s your favorite gentleman marcus norman of gentlemen style podcast show and today i have pediatrician mr robert saul md he’s been guiding parents and their children’s physical behavior and mental care for over 40 years the author of conscious parenting and my children’s children dr saul developed the parental awareness threshold a simple framework that guides parents and guardians to actively parent with self-awareness empathy and compassion parents who use his framework create a healthy environment where children learn to build safe and stable and nurturing relationships as well as exhibit love respect and others for their others in their community so help me welcome to the stage the incredible the amazing doctor song for their others in their community so help me welcome be incredible be amazing doctors i’m doing very well i hope you are sure absolutely absolutely we are doing well i’m doing very well i hope you are sure [Music] we have a little bit of feedback [Music] feedback doctor can you hear me yes i can okay apologize apologize apologize um sorry about that that’s uncommon so doctor tell us a little bit about yourself who has guided you who has mentored you who has nurtured you in this profession [Music] tell us a little bit about yourself i do have feedback i’m getting multiple messages but let me just go ahead and and start um it’s been an interesting journey for me can you hear me okay yes is there another do you have multiple screenshots with this plane no i don’t okay yes is there another person right now yes perfect okay okay i’m sorry it’s okay oh that was unique yes i’m okay let me uh this has been an interesting journey for me i finished medical school in colorado uh did a pediatric training in uh at duke university and then did a genetics training in south carolina and so i jumped into medicine sort of full force wanting to be the best doctor i could be uh and this was starting in the late 70s uh and really engaged and wanted to make sure i was doing everything i could i must admit after about 13 14 years i felt like i wasn’t doing what i needed to be doing for my community that as i was so engaged professionally and so engaged personally with my family that i wasn’t paying back to my community i happened to then hear a talk in 1993 that had a profound impact on me and you’ll hear this this profound impact of the stream of our talk here today our time here today some a healthcare future has said for anything that happens in your community you should think of 12 words i am the problem i am the solution i am the resource now the interpretation that i had with that is no matter what is going on in the community the problems are mine i need to take personal ownership in them otherwise we’re not going to sort of get to where we need to get to to do that i need to be part of the solution and to do that i need to devote my resources so it’s not their teenage pregnancy problem it’s not their drug problem it’s not their whatever problem on the other side of town it’s my problem because i live in the community now it took me i must admit it took me months to sort of figure out how to internalize that and make it a sort of an action plan so i went to some folks and said you know put me in i’m ready to ready to do some work and i got real engaged in the community i was really excited maybe even smugly cell i thought oh wow this is really good i’m really being a good a good citizen now um and then 1999 april 20th columbine two teenagers walk into a high school in uh littleton colorado killed 13 people killed themselves that had a profound impact on me in the end so i asked myself the questions could that happen in my community and the answer was yes could that happen or what have i done to try to prevent that the answer was not enough so then i sort of went through a serious introspection um and for the first time i sort of sat down and wrote put pencil to paper we did that back then the uh and uh so i um wrote an article for the local newspaper about each of what each of us could do to improve our community and i pinned what i at that point were the five steps to community improvement uh and i’ll go through them with you because i think it sort of allows me the threat of what i’m going to talk about here and feel free to interrupt with any questions along the way the five steps to community improvement are one learn to be the best parent you could be two get involved three stay involved four love for others and five the toughest forgiveness and so over the course of the next 12 13 years i wrote over 160 articles for the local newspaper about these five steps to community improvement and subsequently put those into a book into my first book my children’s children raising young citizens in the age of columbine because i really think those five steps make a big difference uh in terms of how we can uh make a difference so let me just go through them briefly learn to be the best parent you could be not everyone has the same ability uh and so it’s it’s easy for me as a pediatrician to say this is what you should do i recognize not everyone has the the same capabilities because of their education because of their situation in life because of their socio-economic status so my job was to maximize their ability to be the best parent they could be get involved in what’s happening in your community but it’s tough to stay involved sometimes you get involved with one thing that doesn’t work so you switch over to something else and that’s fine but the important thing is to stay involved in what’s happening the fourth step is intuitive but we don’t do very well these days in our current society love for others uh we’re quick to we’re quick to blame we’re quick to quote hate and uh that that doesn’t work if we’re going to get to the next level in terms of working together but the next the toughest step for me was forgiveness and i must admit i’ve been on a forgiveness journey to try to understand this and let me give you an example about that one when you when your four-year-old bops your two-year-old and you say to the four-year-old tell them tell your brother you’re sorry that’s a mode of forgiveness but it’s very different than what you would expect a ten-year-old to do than what you would expect a 20 year old 40 year old 60 year old 80 year old so you there you should evolve through various stages of forgiveness and related to that is a the great little book i don’t know if you’ve ever seen it tuesdays with maury mitchell mitch album wrote this book uh mitch mitch is a uh sports reporter um and he interviewed his surprised college professor who was dying from lou gehrig’s disease and he went to visit him every tuesday and one of the messages that maury schwartz has was three stages to forgiveness forgive yourself first for what you’re feeling for what you have or haven’t done forgive others and do it now so those steps sort of got me going uh in terms of trying to understand about forgiveness so i put all those five steps together and penned my first book my children’s children raising young citizens in the age of columbine and that was sort of the first step uh on my journey the the next step was putting a children’s book out about that uh it’s called all about children um and that’s a very different uh children’s book it’s a series of 13 illustrations fortunately for everyone i didn’t do the illustrations someone else did a beautiful job but it’s a series of 13 circumstances that emphasize what we can be doing to help each other and what i mean by that is the kids shaking hands after a little late game going to an animal shelter visiting the senior center sitting in the living room reading with the tv off a mother breastfeeding a variety of things and the children’s book is meant to be enjoyed at multiple levels for kids to read for for parents to try to understand and for even babies to look at for just the pictures so it makes us all accountable is is um instead of blaming other people and pointing the finger at other people we have our part to play we have the opportunity to make a difference within our own um circle of influence right right and that’s you know to the point of the first book is really as i became uh is i think we’ve lost our compass in terms of becoming citizens citizens care for each other citizens empathize with each other citizens show compassion for each other citizens uh lift up each other and i think so the job of each of us is to be is to be a good citizen an interesting sideline to that is one of sometimes i will i remember a lot of people say to their to their children i just want you to be happy and when when my parents divorced i remember saying that bob i just want you to be happy now if you get into if you take that quite seriously you can do then say well almost anything and say well my mother told me i just need to be happy and i don’t have any other responsibilities and so i as i’ve learned as an adult now as with my own children that what i really want them to be is good citizens i want him to care for people i want him to empathize for others and if they’re good citizens then i think they’ll be happy so i think happiness is a secondary effect of the primary goal of raising good citizens um and so that’s sort of um that those things sort of evolved for me as i looked through the citizenship journey as the chil as the how how to make a children’s book that could make some sense into into my last book called conscious parenting using the parental awareness threshold and let me give you a little bit of background to that i when i took a new job in leadership in a medical institution not far from here they had a program called conscious leadership and it boils down to just being conscious of where you are understanding of where you are you might be in that three o’clock meeting that three o’clock production meeting for you and you go say to yourself this is the most boring meeting i’ve ever been in when’s this going to finish um and we’ve all been there and so how can we make it the whole point is if you’re conscious about it if you’re conscious that you’re really not paying any attention you really think this is absolutely terrible then maybe you can start to think well what can i do to sort of engage what can i do to do better than to understand and listen to people so they talk about a line when you’re above the line you’re open you’re receptive you’re willing to learn when you’re below the line you’re closed you’re defensive and you’re always right now as human beings we’re going to be above and below the line all the time but the point about it is being conscious about it and that’s where i think parenting is there’s no map to how to be a parrot i don’t think it’s an innate ability uh we’ve sort of i think it’s a myth that that you know oh it’ll all just come to you uh i know that didn’t come to me and even as a pediatrician so i think we all need we all need help and the whole point of this last book conscious parenting using the parental awareness threshold is thinking of the parental awareness threshold as the line when you’re above the line you’re open you’re receptive you’re listening to your children and you’re ready to learn what they’re telling you when you’re below the line you’re closed you’re defensive you’re always right i because i told you so i’m the parent uh and there’s times when you’re going to be above and below the line it’s just that you need so long as you’re receptive to understanding that because you’re going to want to at times you need to pause what’s happening assess what’s happening and then choose to make a decision you might make the wrong decision and i’ve made plenty of them um and so the point is in the moment you want to sort of pause assess and choose but even if you realize in retrospect you you screwed up then in retrospect pause assess and choose and figure out how you could make a difference going forward that makes sense that makes sense mr mr bob saw y’all we have a quick commercial break you guys don’t go anywhere stay tuned stay with us stay engaged we’ll be right right back good day podcast listeners this your boy marcus norman of gentlemen style podcast show i wanted to let you guys know that we will be rolling out a new feature and adding a join sponsor button next to the subscriber button here at the bottom of your 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about how he has been a huge activist in his community and he’s made the transition and still practicing you’re still practicing is that correct no i actually retired the in uh the end of 2020 but i’m still very much in uh i it’s interesting i wrote up i wrote a blog about uh pediatricians retire i think we retire but we never withdraw from engagement and so that’s why i’m very much engaged with children’s advocacy and community improvement i’m i’m the president of the south carolina chapter of the american academy of pediatrics this year so it’s keeping me very busy especially here in south carolina as we’re trying to mount significant efforts to protect our children so it’s uh it’s keeping me very busy absolutely well like i mean as we talked about the uh those 12 words i am the problem i am the solution i am the resource we can change the pronoun we are the problem we are the solution we are the resource and so my job is to try to get that message out there as best i can and you are and you are i wanted to address miss erica she’s a vip sponsor of the show thank you miss erica for your contribution for the show it helps us grow the channel and find new and exciting guests she also has a question for you doctor um her question is um as a parent of a teenager how do i engage properly with the understanding we are not technically friends well that parenting teenagers is a toughy um but i still think you need to understand sort of the the complexity that teenagers go through so yes you i guess you’re not friends but you are the parent um and there’s times when you’re going when the child being a male or female is going to be very dependent on you uh and there are times where they’re going to push you back as harshly as they can as they can go through their independence growth i think the point is you need to be aware of those circumstances i mean there’s times when you’re going to have to cut them some slack and understanding what’s going through there’s times when you have to make that tough call of no you can’t have the car keys tonight because of blank but you if if if everything goes well in two days you can have your car keys back or because you didn’t come back at midnight and you came back at one o’clock i think there’s uh you know you just need to look at the circumstances and try to understand the i think the most important thing for me in terms of being a parent is flexibility without um giving in excessively that really sounds stupid i guess uh but it but i think it’s i think it’s where you need to be and you know i if if let me answer in a related way one of the questions always comes up how do i discipline my child uh and some people use the word discipline to mean punish i think the important thing of remembering about discipline is the word root word for discipline is disciple and disciple means to teach so what we’re trying to do is to teach our teenagers they might not hear the message at the time but you’ll be surprised and i suspect you also erica will remember back then 20 20 years later he go you know mom you know dad you were right what you told me then was right so i think you have to be consistent you have to be stay the course you have to fight the good fight and just keep going love it love it love it love it that was very well said she has a follow-up question how can we be the best parent in the age of technology do should we incorporate more technology into parenting or do you think less of it um we need to be face to face uh well my bias is less of it and i you know i i think whenever we go out to supper it’s it’s almost every table everyone is just sitting there looking at their phones now have i been guilty of the same the answer is yes um um and so we need to um leave we need to unplug as much as we can uh and talk one of the things i talk about in the book is especially with young young children is when you’re talking to your children put everything down look at them pay attention and don’t be distracted it’s too easy to sort of look around or seeing what’s happened that to me that sends the wrong message what you’re telling me is not important uh and matter of fact it’s a distraction can you get it over real quickly because i i want to test want to look at something else so you really need to engage and you can only engage face to face as much as you can if i could let me come back to forgiveness because i think that’s so important one of the things i’ve learned is um is trying to understand the path to forgiveness i had said um that um maury schwartz said you know forgive yours forgive yourself forgive others and do it now there are circumstances where it’s not going to be easy to do it now um my my own father was an alcoholic and um and died early because of his alcoholism uh um and there were times looking back in retrospect when i go you know how can i ever forget forgive that but i realize i need to move on in my life um and if you’ve seen the movie field of dreams uh when you recognize that uh at the very end when uh ray is playing catch with his father uh that’s what i that’s what i would like to be doing now in retrospect up and then if you’ve seen the movie a beautiful day in the neighborhood with mr rogers and you the reporter that was ex that was following mr rogers talked about uh you know my dad he’s a real pain in the patootie i don’t uh you know i don’t i just can’t connect with them mr rogers said you know he’s had some good points you need to incorporate what you can and understand how you can work better going forward so those are the things i’ve sort of done in retrospect now to try to understand and it sort of helped me going forward because if there might be contemporary situations where i’ve been harmed by somebody it’s easy for me just to internalize that and say they’re bad i’m good and and i think i need to try to understand what the circumstances were that might have led to that the other important thing i’ve learned from forgiveness is communal forgiveness community forgiveness social forgiveness an example for that is the american medical association years ago did not allow black physicians so they actually got banned black physicians in the 19 about 20 10 years ago they tried to rectify that in terms of admitting what they had done in the past and said you know it wasn’t us it wasn’t the people that are writing this article right now that have done this uh excuse me it wasn’t me that did it but it was us us as an organization and we need to acknowledge that we need to acknowledge this so we can alter our moral compass going forward because that’s what the whole point of forgiveness i think is helps us with our individual compasses uh and our social moral compass going forward another example here in the south is the confederate flag a lot of folks that say you know it’s just it’s just a symbol of heritage you it wasn’t me no it wasn’t it wasn’t you but it was us and is it if it’s such an abhorrent symbol now then we need to be taking steps to to correct that and understanding that so this whole forgiveness journey has been a personal one but for me it sort of helped try to help groups that i work with uh and young physician trainees that i worked with and other things to to try to understand the process of forgiveness it’s never easy and i’ve read multiple books about it and i think back to the the truth and reconciliation commission in south africa with nelson mandela and working through all that that was years probably probably decades in terms of getting through that the massacre in rwanda the genocide in rwanda they’ve subsequently brought the victims together with the assailants to get them out of jail and to go through a reconciliation process as people as a social group we will never have reconciliation uh until we can practice forgiveness and understand it but it’s a journey it’s a real journey it’s not easy it’s not easy that makes sense that makes sense i want to jump to parenting um a little bit one more time you discuss this you go into detail on this in the book and one of the what should be our goal as a parent um is it the happiness that you mention it is it it’s not necessarily the happiness that we should be focusing on but making them good citizens um do you lay out what identifies a good citizen what makes a good citizen um what are the benchmarks what are the markers that we should be um shooting for or our children should be shooting for um well i’ve actually got it right in front of me i can’t remember but i think one of the things is we want to be consciously aware of what we’re doing we need to always be willing to learn we always be need to be willing to understand and we always need to be willing to alter accordingly change is sometimes hard change is sometimes necessary it isn’t always necessary but we need to be willing to listen and be consciously aware of what’s happening happening with that then we need to sort of accept instruction we can’t just read what we want to read we can’t just listen to what we want to listen to we have to be willing to accept instruction we have to be willing to engage and we have to be one of those five steps to community improvement we need to be willing to be involved and then sort of the basic traits i think are patience persistence optimism ability to change sustained involvement discourse you can you if you if you’re just going to sit there and yell at somebody nobody’s going to listen to you you have to have that empathy humility sincerity vulnerability you have to be vulnerable and that’s tough none of us want to be vulnerable and because you really need to be willing to say okay i need to open myself up here and this is going to make me vulnerable but if i really want to exhibit love for others if i really want to say that i’m honest in my journey on forgiveness you have to be willing to be vulnerable now obviously you know that we can you can spend a lot of time saying well i’m too vulnerable and uh how do i deal with that that’s a sort of a separate issue in my book i’m just trying to lay out a good what i consider to be a good road map of of things uh and and i and i go through examples in there about how to deal with a colicky baby when you’re when you’re frustrated with your tired how to deal with a one-year-old that’s throwing peas on the floor and everyone thinks it’s cute but you don’t because you’re at your end of the rope and it’s the end of the day how do you deal with it with your five-year-old who won’t go to school uh how do you how do you deal with your 10 year old that comes home with terrible grades how do you deal with your teenager that’s you know you’re worried about boeing whether they’re the the victim of boeing or even the bully themselves um and so i deal with have ten plus examples in the book of how to deal with those again it’s not the kind of book you’re gonna it’s gonna have all the answers for you but i hope the whole point of the book is a framework uh and it if you have a framework if you have a scaffolding you can work off of you can work on the building you can put the bricks up i mean you know whenever you build a house and you’re going to put bricks on the outside you have to put up a scaffolding so you could haul the bricks up and put the bricks up the whole point of this is the scaffolding and the map going forward that’s so true we have another question from mr samantha doram great great question ms samantha asks when children need help what can parents do to advocate for their children to attain assistance in that same community that’s a it’s a it’s a great question and obviously you need to um physicians parent or pediatricians are well-versed uh in trying to work with this hopefully the school should should be uh should be help help you with that um and uh you need you want to be that strong advocate for your children for for example parents oftentimes say well my my school won’t do this for my child and i said well you’re you have to be the strongest advocate for your child but you have to be nice about it you have to be gently persistent you’ve got to be there and let them know you’re not going to stop but then engage your pediatrician and engage they will they know how the resources to help you work through those through those issues because if your child needs more screening if you’re worried about this problem with your behavioral issues you’re worried about that there are resources that your pediatrician and other people out there can help you try to get you know life isn’t perfect uh even though you might get to some resources uh you really have to fight hard for what for what your children need that’s fair that’s fair she follows up with another follow-up question due to covert they are now going back in person they have become so isolated how do we get them through this hump of reintegration i’m assuming yeah i mean i think you have to i mean where where i am we’re trying to argue that children need to be in masks still when they’re in close quarters because of the risk of covid especially when the delta variant but i think it’s so important as they’re going back to school that they emphasize that yes you have that mask on but you can still look into the eyes of your of your friends you can look into the eyes of of the of your teacher and the other people in the classroom and you can still engage don’t let the mask which is just trying to keep germs away be a barrier to what you’re trying to do in terms of engage and remember when we talk about so we talk about social distancing we don’t really mean that we mean physical distancing we really want you to continue to be social we really want you to continue to to engage uh in your in your fellow students so that’s really important and i think one the other analogy i heard recently that’s really good is especially with children um and because everyone has different means like i was talking about learning to be the best parent you could be some people said well with this covid we’re all in the same boat no not really we’re all in the same storm everyone has different boats some people with means might have what you and i would consider to be a yacht some people might have a fishing boat some people might have a dinghy some people might have a rowboat and some people might have a canoe with a hole in it so it’s important issue is we’re getting together and getting back engaged with children it’s important for the parents to sort of ask the children to empathize with with their fellow students if they might be in very different situations not everyone has the same set of circumstances that they bring with them to the school or when they go home that’s so true it’s so true we have one last quick commercial break y’all from our sponsors of the show stay tuned stay with us stay engaged we’ll be right right back support for gentlemen style podcast is brought to you by manscape who is the best and men’s below the waste grooming champions of the world manscape offers you precision engineering tools for your family jewels manscape just launched their 4th generation trimmer the lawnmower 4.0 you heard that right the 4.0 join over 2 million men worldwide who trust manscaped with this exclusive offer for you twenty percent off free worldwide shipping with the code gen style at manscape.com [Music] we are back this gentleman style podcast show we have mr robert saul spilling the tea on how to create better children and create community around our children and our families and our homes and get involved and become very very active in their roles and in this community it’s not a you problem it’s not a hymn problem it’s not a dem over there problem it’s our problem it’s a community problem and we need to work harder to to to come together and to come back together so we can solve and be more inclusive and solve our own problems together as we grow and as we develop doctor how can people get their hands on the book how can people connect with you and grow with you um well i mean i have a facebook page and they can certainly connect that way and direct message me i have a website uh my children’s children dot com uh and the website uh has an ongoing blog post where i write uh several of the things that i’ve that we’ve sort of talked about has all the books you know all the books can be ordered via the website uh and uh has a little bit about me um and uh so that’s the primary way is is is the website now and um welcome any interactions uh that people can i also have a twitter handle uh and uh the um instagram instagram uh and um i’m working on a youtube uh inter interaction so uh i’m i’m out there and willing to interact any any way i can with with folks absolutely absolutely thank you doctor dr what would you what advice what tips would you give to that young boy that young girl out in the community um that single mom right who is on the fence and struggling to raise a good citizen raise her daughter raise her her son to be great citizens of the world advice would you say to that young girl a young boy and out in the audience well i mean again it’s it’s tough to raise it to raise a child two parents find it tough to raise a child i think a single parent has a very dif can have a very difficult time i think the important thing is to try to understand your child and the circumstances they’re in as best you can not getting overwhelmed by your own set of circumstances but that can certainly be uh can be difficult and then as best you can within your own means within your own capabilities be as engaged as you can be a good role model because i think children learn from their parents and i see a question or a statement that popped up as a parent of a special needs child the last three years i’ve been the pediatrician for special needs children so i understand uh what parents have gone what go what they go through and how difficult that is and how the support system needs to be so vast so it’s important as they that single mom reach out for help whenever she can and get it in a reasonable fashion when i say a reasonable fashion sometimes i tell new moms uh they say everyone’s gonna tell you how to parent your baby how to take care of your baby how to change diapers how to do this how to do that what you do is you smile and say thank you and then you do it your own way be polite right be polite forgive and just keep moving absolutely absolutely and one other one other quick tale i’m i don’t say this to pat myself on the back but one night my son did something that i didn’t like and he was about seven or eight and i yelled at him and he just melted uh and just went away crying and my wife got mad at me for yelling and i got mad at myself and we went into that family mode that all too many families have been in where nobody talks to each other for two hours trying to figure out how to get through this then we finally settled down and when we went to bed i said lay down with my son’s son i’m so sorry what i did you did something i didn’t like but my reaction was totally wrong and i really you apologized yeah i really want to wow i want you to know that i’m sorry um and we’re in this together and whatever i can do i want to want you to know that i’m i love you and i’m going to go forward he said dad would you be quiet i said why he said i hate it when you’re nice so i think what that well again i don’t say that story to pat myself on the back but i think what that tells me is the whole paradigm of conscious parenting i was working on for years before i actually wrote the book absolutely that was and it worked and it was effective and it kicked in it set the tone for future parents to follow and emulate and and and grow from so thank you doctor thank you for what you do this is powerful um doctor i want to say this to you publicly thank you for giving back in this way this is huge what you are doing in your community um into our future our children are our future so i want to say to you publicly don’t ever quit don’t ever give up we need you we need what you’re doing and it is truly phenomenal what you’re doing so thank you thank you absolutely and thank you my audience for engaging and being a part of this journey as we grow together i hope this message was impactful i hope it helped serve you i hope this serves you today because it definitely serves me and it’s changed my perspective on how i have learned on being a part of the community instead of trying to distance myself from it and saying that’s your problem that’s her problem that’s not my problem it’s all our problem it’s all our problem we need to get involved so we can change the trajectory for our future um so our future has a brighter tomorrow so this is helpful so like i always end every show thank you for tuning in i hope this has served you like i end every show take care of your family take care of your friends and always always always always take care of business this is marcus norman of gentlemen style podcast your favorite gentleman and mr robert saul the good doctor who’s taking charge and teaching us how to get produce better citizens and become activists in our own communities love you guys bye [Music] [Applause] so [Music] [Applause] [Music] you [Music]
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Effective Conscious Parenting Tips |Community Improvements for Children Parenting-Robert Saul Shares

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