Ep. 95 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Ep. 95 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

can i tell you i am not the person that’s aware of side effects you don’t know what a side effect is i would never pick out a side effect when you’re a big drinker you have so many side effects on a daily basis that you just go well i guess that’s because i’m an alcoholic 100 all right oh man how do you meet celebrities like how do you know how do you like how do you get these people for tom talks um do you know these people like the music guy to live quality no the other music christian hand the guy in the yeah yeah how do you meet how did you know that guy uh i was um i didn’t know him i was put on to his live um the session live ig is the page so i was told about it and then i went and i listened like i watched him do a couple sessions and i commented one a couple of times and he was shouting me out on on those so then when he did that i just messaged him and then he uh jokingly on one of the sessions was like yeah you know i had to get on the podcast sometime and i was like let’s do it that’s the funniest one now we’re gonna do a live show together dude you know what i’m doing in a couple of weeks i probably are have already done it what is 85 south oh those guys are great i cannot [ __ ] wait here’s my problem though is like uh like i wonder if i’m such an old hip-hop fan that i won’t relate to them at all no you’ll be are you doing it yeah i talked to carlos carlos texted the other day pull up carlos miller yeah i think it’s called yeah with a k k carlos his put to type in his twitter real quick go to his twitter twitter twatter by the way these guys are [ __ ] playing legit arenas right now they’re doing big stuff they’re doing where we doing we’re we’re doing keep scrolling until you see him reply to me he goes is this true probably would have been easier to go to my [ __ ] twitter yeah it’s very definitely easier to go to my twitter um and then you’ll you’ll get a kick out of this okay go to my twitter and it’s like it’s gotta be the top well there you go okay ty click that link so go to the scroll up scroll up scroll up and then read that one read the top one and then read the top one it says we’re doing gag gag gag yeah i’m with them on this bathing two little kids every day is a lot of work plus it can really dry out their skin if they spend the day outside in the dirt then they need a bath uh so ashley cooger and mila kunis said they don’t bathe their kids i’m paraphrasing in a very incorrect way right now by the way they said they don’t bathe their kids every day can you can you look that up yeah oh yeah so ashton kutcher and okay this is gonna be the perfect storm of [ __ ] right here because ashton kutcher and mila kunis went on dak shepard’s podcast who has not invited me or you on his podcast he has not invited either of his podcast despite us sometimes talking [ __ ] about him wait go go to go back one for the for that quote i didn’t have hot water growing up as a child so i didn’t shower very much anyway she grew up in ukraine i think uh i wasn’t that parent that bathed my newborns ever all right yeah so mila kunis and ashton kutcher go on dak shepard’s podcast and dax and uh and cr kristen kristen bell were talking about they bathing their kids is a nighttime ritual right like how often do you bathe your kids with it every night okay we banged our kids every day yeah every day every day yeah um and they were saying that that’s part of their nighttime ritual and then ashton kutcher mila kunis who everyone listens knows i got mad respect for what they’re about to say they go no we don’t bathe our kids we barely bathe our kids if there’s dirt on them we’ll clean it off right yeah but we’re not going to bathe them all the time because that’s not part of thing and then they just jump into the conversation and they go we don’t shower that much ashton kutcher emilia kunis is like we don’t shower that much and i think i’m not even uh don’t quote me on this but i think ashton kutcher says and pools count as showers i’m almost certain don’t quote me on that but i’m almost certain 100 percent allegedly ashley coocher said if you go in the pool that’s the same as the shower yeah i’m certain of you said that let’s see uh mission included by the way don’t let me forget to tell you my doc’s shepard story which is another reason we have not been invited on that guy’s podcast we should have him as a guest bear one time sure when someone’s out of town and don’t i don’t think we’d be going on his podcast i don’t think we want to meet his fans i think our fans would like him okay i don’t think all his fans would like what we stand for no what do we stand for but we’re not like he is like he’s like good wholesome is he yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah like i guarantee you he doesn’t call kristen bell and go he’s okay if i [ __ ] adrian ketchik with a strap-on and i’ll put it on backwards like a tail and then jerk myself off i guarantee you i’m sure he thinks that yeah like i’m certain dax shepherd has the same brain we do i am certain jack shepherd if we were in a room with him we’re like yo man we’re gonna run a train on a during testic and and we’re gonna do with dildos so we’re not cheating i 100 percent guarantee daxter is like i’m in i’m in i’m in like and then we go should we call our wives he’s like oh that’s a bad idea that’s a bad idea let me ask you what’s your dax shepherd’s story hold on let’s finish with ashton kutcher okay type in ashton kutcher showering because that’s how we get to carlos miller that’s how we get to the 85 south show okay uh ashton kutcher um all right how about how about his um how about you you type in pool’s count don’t type instead of a shower yup half of americans half of americans and i think i started that trend i would argue that if you went back two years ago people would be like huh pool bath what’s that but did you get a pool bath today today i’m going to the hospital i took a pool bath that’s really really bad yeah you should really i should be really real yeah actually surgery two i mean considering i haven’t showered in a little bit i would take one at night yeah and then take one in the morning before what time are you what time are you supposed to check 2 20 2 40. okay here’s what you should do you take a shower tonight a real one yeah and then in the morning after you do whatever you want to do yeah take a shower okay also 220 is your check-in yeah so you can actually have breakfast don’t forget that too why did you get up really early and eat like what four in the morning well what time is your surgery i’m gonna talk to the pre-op today your surgery is gonna be at least an hour after like 3 30 or something right no my surgery is at 2 40. your surgery is at 2 4. so you’re checking in at like 1 40. okay by the way i’m already getting anxiety just talking about this yeah no you can’t eat then yeah 12 hours okay i’m doing it today if i can get you you can have a big dinner i’m gonna [ __ ] [ __ ] up food tonight yeah i’m gonna [ __ ] i’m gonna eat like what are you gonna have a pasta i wanna do italian there you go that’s probably a bad idea because i might have acid reflux in the middle afternoon i’m ready for the i want the cocktail they give me when they just go like i’m a little nervous and then they load me up and i go and then i just want to get to the place can i tell you what i want to do also i told nadab this last night he thought it was a good idea so think all right we’re gonna have you count back from 100 and i’m like no no no no red rocks i’ll be performing there september [Music] you’re gonna do a promo i do a promo for the for the for the going on for the operation red rocks september they’ll be there uh it’s the best feeling it is the best is it is this coming out before september 8th when you like don’t you because when you try to go to sleep it can you know it’s hit or miss like sometimes you drift sometimes but when it’s automatic like when they’re they’ll be like hey man uh you like the movies you’re like alan it’s the best i love it do you think bill cosby is watching this going that’s what i said that’s what i used to do that’s what i said don’t you like what’s your favorite movie allegedly would you see bill cosby live now yes he comes on tour he comes on tour and i call hold on hang on i call you i call you and i go hey man i got two tickets to bill cosby private box no one’s gonna know that we’re there okay we walk in the back door we sit up in the thing and we get to watch the material he’s developing about what he’s been through would you watch him you realize it would be so hard to say no to that because i’d if he was like i didn’t rape people and you just hear who the [ __ ] was that yeah is that not bill cosby i didn’t rape people no i [Music] i’m bad at bill cosby um what nothing [Laughter] do you uh do you think it would be a good show i bet we’d i bet me and you as professional comedians would be enthralled yeah by his angle here’s the thing does he tackle his prison time on stage yeah you think he will yeah yeah that’s obviously he just doesn’t bring it up he’s like my brother russell i’m bad at a bill calls me impression this is why i didn’t do impressions growing up you do a lot of a good impressions though yeah like who you did sebastian really well yeah i do sebastian great yeah um the no i would i would there’s a lot it would be hard to not see bill cosby because would you heckle him no i’m never going to heckle anybody i heckled someone the first time i first time i went to a comedy so i heckled a dude you just said i don’t ever hurt anybody heckle anybody and then you got the first time i yeah i flip flop a lot okay you’ve known me a long time you know that i say one thing and then i totally wait you you heckled somebody the first time i felt i feel bad about it now do you know who it was i don’t i can tell you the joke where what where was the show tallahassee florida i was on a date i was with my buddy eddie and we both brought these two girls and we were in the front row and the guy was on stage and his joke was um the punch line was it’s a styrofoam cooler right he was talking about floating down a river with beers and he and they were like you’re gonna get a raft for that or whatever and he’s like it’s a styrofoam cooler and it [ __ ] flatlined and he was like and it’s silent for like three seconds and i hit my buddy eddie and i go oh it’s a styrofoam cooler and the place erupted and this guy looked at me and he went yeah and i was like you really felt bad in the moment i felt bad in the moment and then i went up to him after and i was like hey man how do you get into comedy and he’s like go [ __ ] yourself i would love it if that guy was like oh that guy was like i mean he’s got to be still alive wow i was in college that that means he has to be alive i mean we don’t have to be alive but be cool how old was he at the show he was young he was like maybe 30 it was like the tops not much older than 30 okay i was probably 26 so he might have been 26. he was a young guy it’s a styrofoam cooler it’s a styrofoam cooler and i was like you know i was like oh it’s a styrofoam cool it’s the worst and the place went crazy i remember a couple heckles my way early on ones early on like when i was doing like bringer shows one time i said the punch line i don’t remember the joke i remember somebody going more or like that i was like oh and then god another time it was just like not landing well you know like a joke yeah and just hearing somebody go oh god oh god and i was like there’s there are a few shut down heckles that comics can’t bounce back from yeah like be more funny right or tell a joke i mean you can you can you can say that you can bounce back i actually think like being mocked you’ve been like mocked like you do something and then somebody mocks you like that that’s that’s pretty brutal you know like if you were making like a face or something and somebody in the audience is like like back to you mocking you if it doesn’t go if your joke doesn’t go well yeah is is pretty brutal um man one time i it was a comp it was another thing it was a comic and i remember this guy he was he was like this east side like alt dude yeah and he sat in the audience and i was doing this show and i was like yeah you ever been i don’t know let’s say you’ve been to florida and he was like oh yeah yeah i’ve been there he was doing that kind of [ __ ] where i was like um what are you doing man but that type of thing where someone it’s like basically like mocking you yeah like it throws you off oh uh you’re gonna have to bleep the word only because i’m not sure if you can say it anymore you could say it but i mean don’t forget the f word it’s the f word oh okay uh not [ __ ] but you know i’m gonna say it i’m gonna say it just bleep it or don’t but i’m gonna say it but it’s part of the story so either do or don’t know that i said do the movie doesn’t come out for a while actually i wonder if it was i wonder if oh no so i go to do a show at the boston common club there’s maybe 13 people in the audience maybe 25 tops and i’m on stage and this guy bald hair um is sitting all by himself on the right wing he’s by himself sitting just by himself and i’m telling my thing and he just goes uh you’re gay and i look and i go what he goes nothing and i said did you say something he goes no and i go okay see that’s like that they’re set up already is someone’s [ __ ] with you yeah yeah she’s tough yeah and so i go back to my act and he goes i said you’re gay and i said amen i heard that and he goes i’m not saying anything man and i go [ __ ] i’m not an idiot i saw you and he goes no i’m not and i go back to my thing and then he drops the f-bomb you know and i go what and he goes it’s not me and i go listen he’s bald right i go listen you cancer having [ __ ] listen and i start lighting him up like because he’s bald he’s skinny yeah and he goes hey man it’s not me and i go i’m watching you say it and he goes it’s not me it’s the [ __ ] behind me and my buddy from high school hank pops up behind he goes what’s up buddy and i was like mother [ __ ] hank and he goes that was good huh that was good i was like [ __ ] i just lit some guy up and the guys my buddy’s hiding behind him going you’re gay and then that guy was like i do have cancer yeah i think he did and i think he got really upset he was going through chemo and i [ __ ] it was a [ __ ] [ __ ] show those shows weren’t [ __ ] taped back in the day summer is winding down and so is its carefree nature ease back into reality by seeing how much you can save on your home auto insurance this summer you probably want to do stuff like go on evening swings have swims popsicles on a hot day rub the dog’s belly you probably don’t want to overpay for home and auto insurance you got a list of things that you got to do your haircut your office organized auto and home insurance is on that list but they can 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like a support team i go for like animals and they’re like no for each other i go what do you guys support each other for and as i say that i see that they’re all bald and i’m like what and then i’m like uh and like we are all breast cancer survivors and i went oh okay i’m like nice nice nice nice and i go uh oh you guys beat it and i’m like well she’s going through it again and i went oh i was like okay but you’re looking good right she goes no and i’m like but it’s like chances are she goes no it’s not looking good at all and she’s like that’s why we came to a comic show to get our minds off it and i was like cool and i’m like do you guys want to do a shot and then of course you know me i’m like you guys not you but like the other ones she was like why not me and i go because it’s you’re going through it pretty rough right now yeah and she was like yeah but i can do a shot and i was like are you sure she goes i’m putting chemotherapy in my body i can definitely do a job i can handle alcohol i was like oh okay so i go why don’t i bring you guys on stage and then i’m like what the [ __ ] am i doing god i bring him on stage and i’m like can we all get five shots of tequila quickly very quickly and i’m and then and then i’m and then now i’m on stage i’m like so like what’s it like chemotherapy and it was just the worst tom the worst crowd work the only way i pulled out of it the only way i pulled out of it is it gets heartfelt and the woman’s telling her story and and she’s like this is my second run whatever and of it and she goes uh i say here’s the deal i’ve really [ __ ] tonight up i’ve really [ __ ] tonight up yeah i go i’m going right back in the material after this yeah and i go but i’ll give you my phone number and whenever you’re feeling really down you can call me and i promise you i will talk to you and try to make you laugh and at least get if you’re feeling down to get your mind off of it like she was like i appreciate that so i gave her my phone number i talked her at the bar afterwards we hung out we drank and then like a month later i get a phone call from her and i i’m outside i’m at the new house i get a phone call from her i answer and i go what’s up and she goes uh she was like i’m having a rough night and i said okay and i said well hey i made a promise let’s talk i cracked a beer open i started talking and tom i talked so aggressively for like 30 minutes but at the end i was like wait are you still awake and she goes i’m done i’m good i’m feeling a lot better how did you just write down things to remind me of okay yeah and so i was like i’m feeling better you did it yeah yeah i gotta go good man i’m done i’m done and just hung up on me never heard from her again i wonder if i got her on my phone i died i did i did i’m guaranteeing you i got cancer lady i got i guarantee you i got cancer lady in here i did a cancer fundraiser and do you know my opening line so it was somebody who had stage four cancer and my opening line this was a packed place my opening line was you know give it up for so-and-so and i have a stage four cancer and i go you know what the good thing about stage four cancer is everybody was like like this and i go there’s no such thing as stage five and it bombed so hard and you know nate craig yeah yeah yeah i do he was there and uh i was able to like go into material and i was like afterwards i go did you hear what i opened with and he goes you mean when you flatlined [Laughter] see what i opened with i always tell the story i told a story the other night we had we did a call and stick to work show in tampa and i was [ __ ] wasted and a guy just stands up in the front row and he goes i have stage four bone cancer and it’s silent and i go i don’t know what does that mean he goes not good man yeah not good and i said how how long and he was like i don’t know two months and i was like okay i was like well [ __ ] it man let me buy you a drink what do you want he was like uh rum and diet coke i go why are we going diet man yeah you got two months like put the weight on yeah big laugh and then within 30 minutes he fell and cracked his head open and they brought an ambulance and they pulled him out and he died like two months later [Laughter] his son texted me he’s like my dad was the guy that stood up your show that was fun as [ __ ] that one night me and him walked out on stretchers i was [ __ ] blackout drunk blackout drunk i told this also to nadav blackout drunk and my dad picked me up and he took me to his new house they bought a new house and i’d never been there and i woke up in the late afternoon not knowing where the [ __ ] i was because i’d never been to this house and i’m like where the [ __ ] am i and i’m walking around going like i’ve never seen this whose house am i in and then i see pictures of me as a child i’m like what the [ __ ] like i passed out at a super fan’s house [Laughter] my dad walked in he goes what are you doing what the [ __ ] are you doing here he’s like oh there’s a new house i was like [ __ ] oh my god and i told you the one about the shirt i told you the shirt story right oh where i you know i bought a shirt of this black dude on a t-shirt and i thought it was penny hardaway at first i thought it was penny hardaway yeah and then i got it i was like that’s not that hard and then but anyways i wore it and it was uh it was like published online for something and it turns out it was it was a shirt to honor a guy who loved this shirt company and and he he was dead and his family contacted me and they’re like we saw you wearing the shirt you know we really appreciate it and i was like oh yeah of course it’s cool shirt thank you shirt and then i go to do a show and like 30 of them show up in the shirt right and i was like and then there’s this god the club is like hey they’re here and like who’s here and they’re like the shirt people and i was like oh my god what am i supposed to do and they were like i don’t know like they’re here for you they said that like they’re so excited to sell tickets and i you google cleveland ohio and then you type in memorial services dude you get that shirt dude they so after the show they’re like the staff’s like they they want to meet you and take a picture with you and i go yeah of course and we all get together no yeah you just love this picture it’s somewhere and i was like you know hey thanks for coming and they go yeah you know we really appreciate it and they’re like so like um what did he mean to you and i was like i don’t know he’s one of the best so much one of the best power forwards i was like he was so cool and they and they like were waiting for like more of a story oh my god and i was just like i just i thought he was a different black guy i thought this was i thought i was talking to annie yeah i was talking to his roommate yeah why don’t you tell that story tell it tell it so annie is an african american that works at at this studio and uh and as as luck would have it his roommate’s also an african-american uh and uh and i saw annie usually he’s the only black guy here so i see annie i i ended up commenting on his and his hair that he looked like he lost weight or whatever and then i go out to the lobby and zolo’s talking to his roommate ash who i think is annie and i’m on my phone and they’re talking about austin and like where to live and like what the place is in austin and i’m just commenting in the story talking to annie as if he’s doing and then i look up and i was like what the [ __ ] and then i was like where where did you guys get another one from like what the [ __ ] i was like yeah two in here you gotta [ __ ] put a bell on one of them i gotta keep them keep track of which one’s which does that sound bad i mean it that way you know anyway i was like i was like i i did the whole time and then i and then and then i who did i tell who did i tell privately i was like i thought that was any was a dollar i was like i thought that was any the whole time but it wasn’t me oh yeah i told you i told you i was looking at my phone so i wasn’t like staring at him i was looking at my people you walked outside and you’re like i was talking to that guy the whole time i thought it was any yeah and then i told them last night i told them and ash last night i think i did i don’t know did you drink it last night i didn’t drink i’m not drinking i may quit forever it’s weird life sober kind of sucks really yeah someone tells your story and you just go cool man not a bad story i’ve ever heard edibles yeah weed no i smoke it no i didn’t i’m not doing anything now i’m saying will you smoke weed maybe i’m gonna i’m gonna i’m i’m gonna see how long i can stay off booze i’m gonna be eating pills for a pretty heavy period of time how are you gonna tell them you’re in major pain oh my god whoever doesn’t say their major pain yeah like i remember when you they were like what’s your pain at you’re like uh nine and i go there’s ten on there why would you say ten i know like why didn’t everyone say ten ten it’s ten it’s you know you always ten what like when you get out be like oh i’m i’m in so much pain i heard there’s this thing is it called it did it did it and they’ll be like you’re in that much pain and be like [Music] i mean when they come in i’m like i just tried to get up and i fell in my arm like what i’m like i’m gonna need more dude the things they ask you in surgery yeah like if you’re about to have surgery you know here’s the problem is i could answer yes to any of them kind of you’re gonna lie about the pre-op stuff no but no but like you go you like uh have you ever had any problems with anesthesia nausea vomiting dizziness headaches low blood pressure i’ve never had anesthesia right right do you have any blood relatives that have had problems with anesthesia and you’re like i don’t [ __ ] know that’s a no that’s fine okay any post-operative complications i don’t know i’ve never done it yeah you’re fine you get through the first chunk and then it’s like high blood pressure heart disease angina murmurs i’ve had high blood pressure you’re telling them yes and then they go if you say yes to any of these you can’t go into surgery well you’re going to say yes to high blood pressure i did but my blood pressure is okay right now you you suffer from high blood pressure i take medication which you should tell them that i i i kind of did and then and then i did i did i did okay asthma like these are the ones asthma sleep apnea i don’t know i’m asleep that happens say yes yes sleep apnea yeah because they’re they’ll they’ll the the anesthesiologist is gonna ask you anyways before you go under and you should definitely tell the truth so i don’t i think i might let me just call her and tell her hey it’s lucy how you doing hey it’s bert again hey uh hello just so you know i i don’t know if i have sleep apnea but i probably do i snore really bad oh man you’re killing me okay well let’s uh say no since you haven’t been diagnosed with it okay okay um but okay so because of your hypertension you are gonna need the full medical clearance like i was telling you yeah i called both of your doctor’s offices and your cardiologist is out of the country which i don’t know if you knew that or not i did not no worries but his nurse practitioner is available to see you today see me today yeah see you today you’re going to need to oh wait for surgery all right let me call you back lucy i’ll call you back in like in like 30 minutes okay cool all right bye-bye i have a [ __ ] insanely swamped day now this is the [ __ ] longest day of my [ __ ] life they’ve got to clear me for surgery dude this sucks so [ __ ] much it’s like what how bad do i need a left arm that’s i mean you start saying that to yourself how the [ __ ] does anyone how the [ __ ] does anyone do this like like a regular person like a regular person how do you get cleared for surgery the same way you’re going to get cleared you just answer the questions and then they tell you what you need to get cleared on and i get white coat syndrome so that when they take your blood pressure i get nervous and it goes up oh i’m not getting surgery tomorrow you don’t think so i bet i’m not you think your blood pressure will be too high for it i’m certain i’m gonna go in and be nervous as [ __ ] and i’ve had [ __ ] nine cups of black rifle coffee company she’s like you’re going to need to see them today to get cleared shut the [ __ ] up i got this i got two meetings i got i got to cancel the meetings i got to just [ __ ] yeah the meetings can be can be yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah all right that does cancel the meeting easy [ __ ] it [ __ ] it [ __ ] it [ __ ] it dax shepard you ready yeah okay this is what gets me into a dark place was thinking about the surgery really yeah a hundred percent that’s why we went so dark at the end of last week’s podcast so i got this [ __ ] looming goddamn surgery where i think i go i go all right here’s the story so so we talked about dax a long time on the podcast i don’t even remember what we said but the people that dax this podcast sent me an armchair expert shirt as a joke and i thought it was funny i wore it it’s a joke it’s like just sent me a shirt okay like here’s a shirt i don’t know you guys were talking about i don’t know what we said about the podcast i don’t really remember i but i’m certain you know it was whatever we thought was funny at the time right hopefully they found it funniest time um but i’ve always had this thing so i follow him on instagram i follow him on uh on i follow his wife on instagram and i you know i get a kick out of him i listen to his podcast his podcast where we relapsed was pretty [ __ ] fascinating yeah it was really fascinating so that’s where he like came clean that he’d been using yeah it’s pretty wild it’s crazy yeah so we’re doing construction in our house and uh and one of our vendors i won’t say dax will know exactly what i’m saying but one of our vendors for some reason like one of their their project isn’t coming in at time when it should be already done and he says to leanne who has never heard of dak shepard in her life right he says to leanne as if this will calm her down she’s really upset and he goes well you know we we’re doing dax shepard’s house and she goes who the [ __ ] is that shepherd and he goes you know who jack shepherd is and i go and now i’m following jack shepard on instagram and so i know that he’s on vacation with his wife and so it makes sense i go oh his i guarantee you they were like hey we’re going on vacation do this while we’re out of town right and then so when we come back it’s done we don’t have [ __ ] construction in our house yeah and so he’s saying that and i go oh cool and leona goes what are you gonna side with him for and i go oh he’s doing tax shepherd’s house and she goes and in my head i’m going well that means we got a good vendor yeah you know like yeah and leanne doesn’t she goes [ __ ] that shepard like just goes on this rant of like and i’m just sitting there giggling so hard and i recorded all of it i put it i was gonna put it on instagram and tag leanne and tag dex shepard and tag kristen bell but liam made me take it down why because she found out who jack shepard was she was like why like do you still have it now no i [ __ ] do you delete it i recorded it on insta stories and then she made me delete it but she was like she was like and then i had to listen to her realized that kristen bell who leanne and the girls think is like a [ __ ] goddess right they love kristen bell i had to listen to them try to figure out how kristen bell would have ever found dak shepard they were like wait where did those two meet she was like he was all punked right and i was like he’s done some other stuff since yeah she’s like he’s got like one of the biggest podcasts in the world she’s like he has a podcast and i was like yeah and we’re not gonna [ __ ] start a war with dax shepard over a [ __ ] whatever the [ __ ] it is she was like i don’t know if it was but it was such a funny considering she’d never heard of him really she’s never heard of zack shepard mommy it’s like yeah i guess if you’re a [ __ ] 50 year old woman how the [ __ ] are you going to hear about you love jabbing that she’s 50. she’s 51. by the time this podcast comes out yeah yeah summer brings those priceless moments where you can just kick back with some friends and grab a few cold beers man does it ever you know what i really miss the most is like isn’t it as a barbecue a summer barbecue homemade grilling out you know like getting some ribs and burgers murdering a hot dog behind everyone’s back come on yeah and then be like i haven’t eaten yet yeah and making your burger first and eating it and then going who wants burgers and then you go oh i think i’ll try one too godman has so many barbecue murdering cold beers in the hot sun and with your shirt wide open oh it’s the best and then you grab a beer man you gotta grab a beer you deserve moments like that so when you’re craving good vibes and great memories grab your beer grab your friends and grab something you can depend on miller light great taste only 96 calories miller lite is brewed with beer lovers in mind so next time you’re getting ready to enjoy cold ones with your crew go to millerlite.com forward slash cave to find delivery options near you or you can pick some miller lite up pretty much anywhere they sell beer it’s miller time celebrate responsibly miller brewing company milwaukee wisconsin 96 calories and 3.2 cars per 12 ounces this podcast is brought to you by the coffee i have in this mug right here black rifle coffee company one of the things i pulled away from travel channel is uh passion find passion find passionate people that are passionate about things and you don’t have to do a thing and man i listen to these guys talking on rogan about how much they love coffee but when they were over in afghanistan that they were getting these beans and like the way they talked about it i was like dude we’re getting black rifle coffee me and my wife me and my wife got bags delivered we bought them they’re now a sponsor we bought them and that’s the only coffee we buy and it was because how passionate this guy evan hafer was he’s a u.s special forces hop and now they have these great coal brew in the morning all day even throughout the day you just drop two packs in cold water let it steep for 24 hours and enjoy their classic jb roast over ice that is what i have right now and it is freaking awesome i gave it to my daughter she goes is this real coffee or fake coffee i went oh it’s real [ __ ] coffee uh they’ve got cocoa and vanilla aromas rich tasting notes and finishes it’s awesome just get black rifle go to blackriflecoffee.com bears today to get their new cold brew packs use code bears at checkout make your mornings better with black rifle coffee that’s blackriflecoffee.com bears and use code bears at checkout when’s your turn 51 august 20th you get something cool no well i mean i still have time what are you gonna get her um no i don’t know nothing i might be dead true yeah it’d be cool to get a gift from a dead guy what if you ship it like order something today i should write a letter put it in the mail there you go and be like hey if you’re reading this i’m dead don’t ever [ __ ] anyone else don’t ever [ __ ] anyone we gotta get out of the darkness see this pulls me into the darkness when i think about this i start going i have a such a such a what a gentleman no writer i think i want you to be happy i want you no i don’t want her to i want her to be happy not now i want to be happy in like two years get take some time to well write that mourn my death but then i want you to celebrate and live life like every day is your last and stop let’s this is going to pull me into darkness let’s go let’s go to go towards the light and talk about what tattoos we’re going to get tattoos to cover up our scars what’s the twos to twos that’s how you say it to twos what tattoos are we going to get to cover up our scars i have three so it’s going to be pretty [ __ ] big ooh sixes six six six pretty cool idea yeah right yeah and then be like it was to cover up his car bullets knives like like a boss rooting conspiracy theories yeah like one will be like we didn’t land on the moon yeah the ones like don’t get vaccinated i got these from vaccines yeah oh yeah you should tell people you got that from vaccines yeah yeah jimmy dore’s going through like legit uh can i tell you what’s next yeah yeah i heard that jimmy dore was on rogan he was talking about his vaccine side effects did you get side effects can i tell you i am not the person that’s aware of side effects you don’t know what a side effect is i would never pick out a side effect when you’re a big drinker you have so many side effects on a daily basis that you just go well i guess that’s because i’m an alcoholic like you never go like yeah my neck hurts i wonder if that’s from the vaccine like i just slept wrong and then you’re like i keep sleeping wrong and by the way my neck has been hurting but i don’t i don’t know if it’s from sleeping wrong [Laughter] i don’t know i i wonder can i tell you what i’ve been dizzy lately like dizzy like when i laid my head down the pillow it takes a second for my head to go but it hasn’t been cloudy outside dude that’s what i’m [ __ ] talking about yeah can i tell you they were like and when we have a sponsor who uh i think it’s it’s deep deep deep sleep deep cream deep cream deep deep steep anyway one of the things they put in there is magnesium one of the biggest things in serbia is magnesium powder they’re like you need magnesium powder magnesium magnesium dude what if i have [ __ ] sleep apnea [ __ ] do you have sleep apnea well i think a tech like i’ve never been diagnosed yeah and i don’t sleep with but i sleep with a mouth guard so uh like if i get asked like for anesthesia anesthesiologists ask me i’ll be like yesterday with a mouth guard so what do they do uh they just know that and they know that like well since you have a propensity to like ah sleep like that that if you’re unconscious with anesthesia maybe they need to use something to uh prop your throat open so that you don’t this is [ __ ] by the way i was totally cool until this i was totally cool with this [ __ ] procedure i’m postponing it i’m just going to postpone it really [ __ ] i don’t want to do it but what the [ __ ] like there’s got to be i keep going there’s gotta be people i watch my 600 pound life there’s people on my 600 life that get anesthesia you’re fine dude you’re gonna be fine i’m telling you it’s the best just go in unless you [ __ ] die you’re not going to die dude you’re going to be fine it’s just her going because you’re killing me and i’m like i’m good that’s not you you’re not going to die there’s only like a one in six chance you’d die it’s one in 200 i did one in 200. pull up odds of getting struck by lightning i want to find out all the odds i have oh yeah yeah yeah oh this is great yeah odds of dying crazy deaths okay okay it’s not god damn wow that’s that’s pretty high that’s higher than i thought yeah yeah so what are the odds of you dying under anesthesia by the way can i tell you i always think i’m about to be stuck one in two hundred it’s one to two hundred that’s it yeah i know when you look at the like no one in four one to four deaths per ten thousand hey those are great odds man it’s it’s less than lightning and by the way i’m terrified of lightning i am terrified of lightning really like if you told me that anesthesia was like lightning i’d be like [ __ ] that room see if there’s any more on that all right click that first one oh it’s it’s more than it’s a hundred thousand i thought it was 200 yeah and you’re not gonna like brain damage as a result is so rare that the risk has not even put into numbers so you’re definitely not going to have brain damage okay the risk of dying during anesthetic is extremely small for a healthy person having planned surgery that’s kind of me around one person may die from every 100 000 general anesthetics given all right do shark attacks now these are things i’m afraid of so i’m going to know if i should be afraid of this yeah is it one oh my god so wait hold on this is making anesthesia that much scarier right it’s one in 3.7 million yeah that is like but are they what are okay what do what are the what do you have the highest odds of dying from gonna be a car crash odds of dying in a car crash yeah go to odds of dying chart oh one 107. those are high odds especially if you drive like an [ __ ] accidental poisoning to i’ve almost done that to my family i’ve almost almost poisoned my family i’d ever tell you about that no i put liango’s was when we were doing renovations she goes hey you got to go out and get the we were cooking on us on a camping thing yeah go and get the camping thing and leak the propane don’t don’t get off this chart and i said okay so i went out and i got it i brought it in the house and i turned it on to bleed out the the line and it just kept going and going and going and going and she goes hey did you turn off the propane and i was like no she was just leaking propane into the house and i was like i guess she was like [ __ ] open a window and i was like okay so i turn off the propane i’ve already leaked out a whole canister of propane in our house and i’m like and then she just goes to sleep i’m like great she’s dead like she just died yeah and then i shut my daughter’s doors because i was like i don’t want them to die like lean and are living in the living room girls are in george’s room i shut their door and then i was like and i opened the windows but i was like [ __ ] man what do i do because and then i read about propane propane falls to the ground that’s so it’s so my girls are both in bunk beds they’re good yeah liam and i are on a bed we’re close to the ground we’re not good but we’re not as bad as who i moved to the ground the cat i was like we’ll put the cat on the ground if i if the cat dies then i know we need to get the [ __ ] out of the house right it’s my canary in the mine so i put in the cat on the ground i wait like i wait like [ __ ] 20 minutes and the cat’s still [ __ ] moving around i was like all right we’re good and i passed out okay yeah pretty good right it’s pretty good yeah um what are the like go to the hit the the maybe the statistics thing does that have better it’s got to be things that have high odds right okay can you scroll in on that heart disease well it’s not like a one in thing but these are all like they’re all medical things hmm is that right yeah get off more that’s how everyone’s gonna die wait what’s alzheimer’s what are the odds of dying each day 30 old man has one in 260 000 chance 30 year old woman has 1 in 583 000 chance a 55 year old man has a 1 in 46 000 chance of dying put in how what are the odds of being a 30 year old white man it’s a guarantee those are different sure i guarantee you there’s i guarantee there’s it’s called privilege it’s one of the things that we’ve been learning over the past year yeah it’s odds of okay what was the phrase that you wanted odds of dying but type this in type this in highest odds of dying just type that in yeah there you go april all preventable causes of death one in 24. chronicles hit the more rows suicide one in 88 bam wait i can be i could i have those are [ __ ] high odds is this it here heart disease what one in seven oh this is so this is lifetime odds oh these are lifetime odds okay opioid overdose suicides one in 88. so you’re telling me there’s more chance i’ll kill myself then i’ll die tomorrow yeah how is that even possible i don’t know you get bad reviews on the movie oh die die from falling and die from falling die from falling that’s you yeah motor vehicle crash one and one in 107 is astonishing uh pedestrian incident wouldn’t even know what that means one in five forward hitting getting hit by a car a bicyclist bikes there you go sunstroke 184 electrocution radiation extreme temperatures and pressure sharp objects one in twenty nine thousand three thirty four these are all really [ __ ] achievable dog attack but look at that that lightning one’s much higher than the other statistic we saw yeah um well i think i bet i here’s the thing is that there’s a huge uh swath of the population that has no risk of dying from lightning and then you go to florida and you’re like all those people’s odds are way higher you know that um my trainer like my my the athletic trainer at my high school who taped my ankles up you know football practice and in games she eventually after i graduated high school into college she became the athletic director of my high school she died she got struck by lightning for real on our field yeah on she died i got struck by lightning on your field yeah she was walking and it got hit and died i almost got struck by lightning once by the way this is going to sound like a make-believe story it’s gonna by the way my recollection my recollection i watched this i watched this podcast on memories of like uh it was on netflix it was about memories about how people create their own memories was it was it called the burke chrysler story i was jogging every time you jog in clear water i i run out to the end of the uh end of the island and then back to the island all the way out to kaladesi and back and sometimes you’ll run to kaladesi and it’ll be all bright skies forward and when you turn around to run backwards it’s a fun thunderstorm it’s crept up on your ass and it is a terrifying sprint to try to beat a thunderstorm so like you run all the way out and the thunderstorm’s coming this way and you got to turn around and run and beat that thunderstorm to your house right and i have run fast [ __ ] miles it’s a four mile run all the way up to calla dc and then two miles back or four two there two back right one time i’m running and it is thundering and lightning like crazy and it’s not raining yet it’s that weird feeling in the air where you can smell it and you’re like okay it’s gonna be a big storm there’s gonna be a big storm and someone’s getting struck by lightning and a dude is walking this way the um the path to get to our house is like right here dude’s walking this way i’m sprinting i’m listening to outcast on my headset and a bolt of lightning hits in between us and [ __ ] pops up and the guy and i freeze and we’re like holy [ __ ] [ __ ] and i sprinted around the house i go oh my goodness you’re my liking and my [ __ ] whole family is like [ __ ] and i was like i just and then i started not believing myself i was like did i just make that up yeah like i swear to god a bolt of lightning not a big one a little one like a little like a medium bolt like almost like a like a mark on the ground it was in the sand so it just yeah i swear to god this is not a make i wish i could i should have said to that guy hey man can i get your numbers so i can when i tell this story in seven years from now to my buddy you can be there to back me up i wish you would have gotten that number god now speaking of phone numbers you told me that you got a unexpected phone call while when you were in serbia okay right yes and it’s from somebody who we can’t name can’t name but but what is the cuz i actually don’t know about the phone call oh you didn’t tell me you just said hey i texted you and you said you said wait till you hear about this phone call i got yeah so i got a phone call from a guy who’s a yeah a notable person very legit uh sure you don’t have to go any more descriptions and uh it’s it’s it’s 6 a.m i want to say it’s maybe it’s 10 a.m serbia time 11 a.m because it was my day off and we had gone out that night and partied hard as [ __ ] and i got way too wasted and i [ __ ] i was way in my head i woke up the next morning and i was like what am i doing what am i doing it’s my day off right so i obviously had worked all week so i really ramped it up that night and i just went overboard and i was like i didn’t pace myself i [ __ ] yeah i’m laying in bed i feel like [ __ ] i need to run if i go for a jog i’ll feel better but i’m not i don’t have the energy to even go for a jog i’m just like ugh i was like i just want to go back to bed but i can’t and i’m like all right man maybe this is rock bottom maybe this is where you go [ __ ] it i’m done drinking i’m done drinking for this movie i’m off like uh let’s let’s [ __ ] clean our lives up we what are we living for as i’m thinking these thoughts my phone rings and i pick it up i don’t recognize the numbers it’s like a 3-1-0 number and i go hello and he’s like is this bert and i said it is is do you hate me and i go no i go who is this and he says is that yeah and i go oh wait man what what are you doing he was like do you do you hate me and i said no and he starts crying and he goes do you respect me and i said yeah and he goes do you think i’m funny and i was like yeah i think you’re really funny he’s like am i talented i was like i think you’re one of the most talented people i’ve ever seen do comedy in my life and he’s like uh he’s like um would you he goes would you work with me and i said i i would and he goes thank you man still crying thank you thank you all right and just hung up and this is somebody you haven’t spoken to this person before i ever have i have i haven’t partied with this person ever but i’ve hung out with this person why do you think that they um well the best part of the story is that i was like [ __ ] this i don’t have a drinking problem at all oh right i was like i’m [ __ ] good you have party with them i have not partied i i may have once or twice but but not like not like was just at a party okay i’ve been there okay okay like like a like a wrap party for a tv show this was obviously like you haven’t talked to this person at all and by the way i’m not even certain this person knew i i wasn’t even certain this person knew who i was like i know this person is and i remember meeting this person a number of times and i was and going like oh this is someone i would say i like i’m not saying i’m friends with him i would never say i’m friends with him but i definitely wouldn’t expect i don’t have his phone number i definitely didn’t expect him to have my phone number and i definitely did not expect this phone call and it caught me soft guard i texted you immediately and was like i just got the weirdest phone call from dot dot dot and and but immediately i was like all right as long as i’m not calling people at [ __ ] four in the morning crying and being like do you respect me then i’m good jesus christ i know i know attention listeners across the galaxy all the way from australia to houston do we have a pube problem if so our 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plus free shipping by going to manscape.com bears for a clean trinity and beyond your spaceballs will thank you it’s like you know what’s crazy is like it’s you always especially as a big drinker i get bummed out when people tell me they’re sober like when people go like oh i’m sober i always go ah like [Music] same way i like like this sounds crazy but like i like uh i shouldn’t say that but like i feel like that like like i go and by the way i don’t care if you drink like like i don’t care if you drink like we go out all the time and like or not all the time but we’ll hang out and you don’t drink i it doesn’t i care if i drink like that’s what matters to me or i’ll have like a drink a drink and i go cool man i’m i’m gonna drink yeah it doesn’t bother me if you do or don’t drink but certain people when they don’t like when it’s sat it breaks my heart when you see people that like can’t really can’t handle it like really really can’t handle it and they just they’re addicts and you’re like how can can’t you just stop that right there no like and then it’s just like it blows my mind cause i go you have stuff to do like i remember watching someone uh drink it blew my mind such a talented comic we worked together and uh and in the middle of the afternoon we go to get lunch and then we find this cigar bar and i go let’s go have a cigar we have a cigar and a drink like a drink right like it’s nice to have a whiskey with a cigar you slow roll it so we have a whiskey with a scar and then he like orders another mid cigar and i’m like that that’s fine yeah you know i didn’t get one but i was like that’s just me this is on the road it’s on the road and then he like gets a beer and i was like i’ll have a beer with him and and then i go home and i go back to my hotel and go to bed we have two shows at night and i show up at the club and they’re like have you seen dot dot dot and i go no and they’re like well he’s not answering his phone i go last i checked he was having like a beer and then all of a sudden he’s gone for the weekend and i never see him again what and i’m like somebody i know what the [ __ ] no you don’t there’s someone you know that i i mean i’ve had it happen to other people that you know where we i want one of my really good friends i remember we went to we went to a baseball game he’ll know who i’m talking about him and we’ve talked about this we’re good we’re good about it we went to a baseball game and we got ended up getting [ __ ] lit right we have two shows at night but we get lit so it’s in one o’clock baseball game go home take a nap power through get through two shows right yeah and uh we get to the first show and they’re like where the [ __ ] dot dot dot and i go oh [ __ ] and they’re like he’s not answering his phone he said we didn’t see him for like and then he called and it came in the next days like i [ __ ] up and i was like yeah but you can like i i don’t understand i can’t wrap my hand around how you’d [ __ ] up i’d never let alcohol get in the way of right getting the work done getting the work done like you got to get your work done first that’s number one and if you can’t get your work done first then you don’t get to drink that you don’t get to drink you got to get [ __ ] done i’m always blown away by that you got to tell me who these people are i’ll tell you the first and the second by the way the first guy was so funny he told me a joke that i didn’t say if you tell me about that city the first thing i think about is that joke because it was such a good joke such a good joke and i was like i was like man this guy’s got this guy’s really talented especially like in like in a very like lovable working class kind of way and the second guy i’ve known probably i’ve known him for a very long time and he still do stand up yeah i think so i mean i think he’s i think i’m almost certainly still does it i don’t know what he’s up to i actually got a text from him yesterday oddly enough really yeah he’s had some issues on and off the court you know okay but uh but yeah i’m always blown away like does that happen with weed do you think are there people that lose their life to weed yeah they’re i mean there are they’re people that like are so consumed with like it what it does is i think with people who i’ve been around who go like who wake up and and can’t like there are people who can smoke all day and that’s how they operate but i’m saying the people who it adversely affects i’ve seen people who it it like deadens their personality so that they’re numb to everything and i know somebody like that who you know you can’t call him i don’t call him a weed addict but it was somebody who he then stopped and he’s a completely different person like he’s he seems like he’s alive he was he was basically trying to make himself numb and it worked he was numb but he didn’t seem like it didn’t seem like anything was going on he didn’t react to like anything and that’s what he did he would just get like super high all day and if you were like let’s do anything he’d have to get like you know smoke a whole joint and just be like like [ __ ] ripped to do it and you’re like well you know i get it for like like it’s after the show or like you know we’re going to see a movie you want to get but if you if he was waking up he was waking up and it was like from from when you wake up till you go to bed this dude was just like ripped see i love like i love like a good two-beer buzz right mm-hmm it’s like the one of the funnest things in the world and it’s cool it is fun especially when you’re on the road to like let it not not if you do it on purpose you but like it really [ __ ] you up like if you’re the guy that’s like i need a beer with lunch because i’m i had a rough night last night that i’ve seen that destroy people i’ve seen that i’ll say their names legit destroy people but to be caught off guard and be like you go out to lunch and then all of a sudden the waitress comes up he’s like hey the bartender’s a fan we got you a flight of beers and then you and your opener is like oh [ __ ] it let’s kill some beers right yeah get a little bit of a a two beer four beer buzz and then go back take a nap yeah i can’t do that i i have a hard time doing it oddly enough i have a hard time doing it if i’m working because it it changes my it changes everything for my eating i just don’t like i don’t like knowing that like if i’m gonna drink during the day knowing that i have to work that night it just does something to me psychologically where i’m like how am i gonna feel now oh yeah am i gonna have to am i gonna want a nap and will i be able to catch that nap or am i going to feel like groggy i can catch the nap quick as [ __ ] really oh it’s one of my favorite naps one of my favorite ones was drinking on radio a moment ago you’re like i have a tough time doing it man no no no by the way i used to do it so much on when i when i was doing the road i used to do it so much on thursday friday where i’d go in uh do radio drink on radio and be chaos to sell tickets throughout the week that i could shut it down at i there were times i didn’t shut it down when i just go to like [ __ ] four and then just pass out at four wake up at eight go to the show and and it was some of the funnest shows i’ve ever had because then you just power through and you keep drinking through the night yeah you know not on the first journal on the second show but uh but man drinking on radio i’ve had some of the funnest [ __ ] times where it’s just absolute i remember drinking one cowhead one time and andrew wk was there and i was like oh we are getting [ __ ] up and then he was like oh i’m not drinking i was like what he was like i don’t drink during the day and i was like it was like it was like finding out that that jesus was just a good magician yeah i was like you don’t drink he’s like no it’s like it’s like a brand i don’t know like i’m not drinking i was like you’re andrew wk yeah like you’re the party animal and he was like yeah i have my [ __ ] together i gotta work and i was like yeah i have my [ __ ] together too and that’s kind of the magic trick is that i party and i get my [ __ ] done like yeah i think you’ve got to be able to do it he had one beer with me and like barely finished it i was like oh so you used to get you used to get ripped at morning radio though oh [ __ ] annihilated annihilated and what whiskey right whatever they had whatever that was the fun part of it it was like hey what do you got you know the one that the one that made me that would do it it was the funnest the funnest was like what do you guys have to drink and they were like huh like what do you have to drink let’s have a cocktail this is like 6 30 in the morning or 6 30 seven o’clock if you found it what you do is you’d find a good radio station you go into radio do like do like whatever you had to do the ams the talks the sports and then they take you to the rock station like the you know the big one the back in the day was like the regular guys or cowhead yeah elliot in the morning preston steve dude i used to drink on preston and steve and make and have so much [ __ ] fun that i remember and they’d be like we got m night shyamalan coming in you want to stay burnt i’d be like uh you got more beers we got courtney love coming in i’m like you want to stay i was like are you [ __ ] kidding me and i would be obliterated and say whatever i wanted it was like having a full [ __ ] pass because everything was funny because you’re wasted yeah and you’re and then they’re like he’s been drinking since six and then courtney love will be like keep going i have a picture type in burt and courtney love i think we got wasted together unreal we got images we got we had such a fun [ __ ] time that morning i think we did get wasted together and uh you look good there uh yeah type in burton m night shyamalan that’s the that’s the rough picture really uh you yeah that’s the dude look at the the furthest one is uh i’m in a speedo you don’t look so good i’m in a speedo and i am just dissecting his movies to him how do you like obliterated like obliterated he asked me to perform one of his benefits he did yeah he was like he was like i [ __ ] by the way i’m in a [ __ ] jean short speedo at this i’ve had some he looks happy though he looks like he’s yeah we had a good time we had a good time not you he’s a really cool guy yeah um but that was like the funnest is that is that bert yeah that’s me that’s you right there same yeah same same thing as i had a big beard at the time doesn’t even look like you um i went i went in dj laz out of miami was like the [ __ ] funnest is that you’d go into him and he’d always have cocktails and he was a he’s a like a legit dj so part of the show was like music and playing like like that’s the same day click this uh visit this you look huge there i i’m probably the same size i am today oh i mean you look good excuse screw keep i don’t even know what i was drinking there oh these are by the way these are eight nine times i drank on president steve keep going down these are nine times i drank on president steve there’s an article about this cute they’re not loading your shirtless there who’s on my shirtless with i don’t remember any of these and now you were going in the next week you were in philly the next week and i left those beer those bottles those whiskey bottles for you thanks buddy i wish this was loading i’d love to see these dude it was the funnest maybe do it in another browser you know like oh the cardboard clas
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Ep. 95 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

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