Note to self (and maybe you too)

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_video link="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3uXBtNwAXWs"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text][/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]those vegan guys [Music] hello my loves and in particular hello paul who will be watching this back uh not to self so years ago when i used to keep written journals which i did quite a lot i've still got them all upstairs um before i wrote my day's entry i would read the day before again and sometimes the day before that and it was a really good way of catching myself out with repeated behaviors or misbehaviors or excuses uh for things and of course i don't keep a written journal necessarily anymore because youtube exists and we have a channel that that is worth um utilizing and so uh this is a mixed bag vlog it is not yourself um very quick physical health updates today as i record this is tuesday i'm probably going to be uploading it to the interwebs on wednesday um last thursday when i got back from london um i had my second x-ray so there's no i haven't heard anything from that yet uh and i'm still waiting on the dermatology appointment so that's that but let's talk about this shall we because for literally for the last five years almost um almost completely five years um for the last five years sorry sorry i'm trying to formulate what i'm what i want to say in my head because i have to take a lot of ownership ownership is a very important thing you cannot change what you don't acknowledge and even though i've had in large part emotional baggage wise emotionally speaking a terrible five years um there's also been a lot of good in that so it's this is not a pity story this is an acknowledgement of things that have occurred that started around five years ago with uh being kicked off the tv show um if you the the final episode that i was actually kicked off for which i was strangely talking about uh vigils with manchester pig save makes you wonder who made the call to offcut anyway the final episode is there should you want to see it so that happened in the october of 2016. then in the november of 2016 jason and i are victims in this horrific armed robbery which changed us both and uh yeah then a year and a half of um anxiety and panic attacks and flashbacks even and uh fear of loud men and and um culminating in uh some cbt cognitive behavioral therapy which is basically talking which is what i do now on youtube uh and i only had four sessions and i was because i was very active in it because i kind of got it straight away like oh okay you know what i mean it was very active in the process all i needed four sessions and i was like right i've got this now i know how to deal with the trauma of that incident then it gets the job then i get some fairly dismissed from the job then i wait two and a half years for four days of uh an employment tribunal or video which i'm still waiting for the results of so that's the last five years but mixed in with that is this channel the vegan queens the vegan queens are almost exactly uh five years old uh this morning last month it will be when this goes up august um when they were uh when we did the um manchester manchester pride special on the tv show that was hosting the time in drag and then after i was like should we do a double act am i bringing gemini back because i won't do in german at the time i hadn't done for a while anyway so the last five years happens right and then and then corvid comes along now this this corvette thing is still playing on my mind a lot it has to be said i have to be really honest there still really playing on my mind it's playing on my mind because everyone's gone back to complete normal festivals and camp house and prides and uh music festivals redding and leeds and vcorn manchester pride and all these things where people are mass gathering and then the skills are about to reopen and i'm like this ain't good this ain't good and then part of me is like am i just being alarmist am i like too concerned about this and it is time to just get back to life now and if you get it whatever but then it's like no it's not just about me it's not just about how i feel about it and that's part of the problem people are a lot of people are only thinking about themselves and they're not thinking about hang on i'm going to go there on saturday and then i've got to go and work on monday am i going to take a test or anything and so it perpetuates so what does all that as well however for the last year and a half no no oh no it is more than a year and a half last year in 2020 we started this little vlog series health journey we both started using the uh exercise back and we were eating healthier and cut down wine and all this went on and then as it gets nearer to their employment tribunal and just because of what i'm sure what i can only really own is laziness because even though there's all this stuff going on up here and still major health concerns at the moment are there really an excuse what good does sitting on the sofa moving between the computer and the software uploading answering comments what good does that do me and then i'm like yeah but you tried going out for a walk a couple of months ago and it turned out you're in a quite tricky situation you were going to stream it live to remember is that a fair enough excuse so don't walk that way then walk the other way what i'm trying to own about myself is that i am addicted to the comfort trap the comfort trap is my own home here which has been my sacred space my solace my sanctuary throughout all of this stuff this has been my place to not cut the world out because i don't far from it i keep myself very connected which in and of itself is possibly a part of why i feel like i do over all the time because uh because um see i'm not i don't believe that there is such a thing as too connected i think there might be a middle ground and i'm possibly a bit beyond that but i don't think there's such a thing as too connected i think it's absolutely crucial that we pay attention to what's going on in the world in our name you know to that we keep aware of what's going on with the corvette corvid which is still ravaging america and i'm very scared that it's going to be exactly the same in this country but still yeah all right you have [ __ ] five years yeah all right the world's pretty [ __ ] at the moment and no paul don't feel like you're being overly cautious because you're not you're being aware you've still gone out and done pride shows you've got another one booked in but everything feels magnified at the moment everything feels like every friendship every working relationship everything feels like it needs constant observation regular analysis and yeah the gelatinous blouse by the way you know my orange one well it's the same brand but of course this is a this is the blue gray one i love it i love it probably just darted wearing it when one wet weather we're here about five weeks ago but still you know so i'm overweight and i'm not happy about it but i keep eating no one can change that about me i don't do enough physically and i give myself feeble excuses for why i'm not doing that nobody can change that but me what i find doesn't necessarily help me is promising that i will vlog my journey because it needs to be mine all i will if and when when and if i start to change things can't it change what you don't acknowledge this is my acknowledgement and of course i'll talk about it i'm just not promising to um fully do you know what i mean you know what i mean don't you because it has to be for me sometimes you have to be selfish because in that selfishness in putting yourself first making sure that you're putting yourself first you can then be the best you which is what the people around you love and want the most so it's a win-win you know so yeah i have been i and i kind of alluded to it on um i think it was alive recently was it it wasn't sunday's live was it it was um a recent chat won me and jason did i think um or it might have been something i don't know but i did i said i'm gonna say the words um because uh another part of me has been a and i'm terrified of this i'm i'm not gonna lie about it you know but there's another part of my brain that is already saying once conclusion you've got cancer what's the point and i don't mean that defeatist i mean that like what's the point in getting on the exercise but but they exactly this is me acknowledging that that is a feeble excuse because even if it turns out i've got a two month to live hypothetic dramatism i'd rather feel good and as healthy as possible so but you know i think we all use these excuses don't we which is why i wanted to i thought even if because every time i do a kitchen vlog like this one of you lovely people out there connects with something i've said and take something positive from it then i can't ignore that fact because i would be a not a nice person if i ignored that fact if in helping me one off a few of you gets helped can acknowledge your known things about yourself and start to change then it's all good in it so i try not to beat myself up too much because asking yourself questions analyzing the relationships around you analyzing yourself in particular owning and acknowledging the excuses that you use is the only way you can make change it's the only way and here we are hello paul so yeah i think this is my first step in i can never put all of that insert last five years i can never put all of that in in a box and forget about it because it's always there all of it and i left lots of things out by the way in that there were a lot of other things throughout that kind of uh five-year period but that's mine to own it's is it's nobody it's like um all right so this all happened and you're still here um so so be here i suppose is the thing isn't it be here be present be in the moment that's what it boils down to doesn't it it's mindfulnesses but it's is staying mindful it's not allowing myself to slip back into that oh what's the point probably this probably that you'd dap until to you know where to go because of corvid do you know what i mean it's excuses after excuses it's it's i am still going out there i need to walk a bit more i need to uh do a bit more and i'm happy for the pace of this to be uh very gentle because if i go from uh you know uh a to z in seconds um that doesn't help me she's taking the time at all really i'm much better being gentle with myself so this is one of two vlogs i'm planning to make i think the other one will help me as well this is my let's talk about but there's also a starting at the kitchen cupboard vlog coming soon don't know when that's going to be but it is going to be soon because i think that will help i think if we choose little things like that to do i'm going to organize this cupboard that because we are sorting and compartmentalizing and arranging that has an effect i think because this is exactly the same the this is full of this is full of wisps of um excuses and applicating and enabling myself it's full of doubts and concerns and analysis and um you know about myself and other people is full of wisps of the world we live in and you know afghan and the wildfires and the floods and ida and this country and the festivals and the the and corvette it's full over all all of that and genuine kind of concerns about myself as well although here's a random one for you my if any of my thoughts have led to kind of if this is something serious and my main concern has been jason i've been thinking about how to um if we get to that point how to make sure that he knows how to access everything online and transfer funds when needed and all that kind of thing without writing it down uh yeah he's been my main concern still is really uh but that's that can be another thing for me to use as a never mind yourself no mind yourself paul uh you have to love you've um number one l'oreal l'oreal totally worth it and uh number two you can't give the best to yourself to others if you're not giving the best to yourself you sell people that when you're a health trainer in the nhs remember probably need to say it to yourself now and again as well and you out there you've got to put yourself first too it's very important you cannot give the best of yourself to others if you are not giving the best of yourself to yourself i say it at the end of every video what we have to do and that's what i'm trying to do now i'm trying to be excellent to myself by owning and acknowledging and by remembering some of the things you know there are a lot of things that are very important to me that i need to think about more the wolf i feed the legacy i leave the legacy i'm going to leave not being afraid to cite and live by when someone shows you who they are believe them although i think we all have a level that we can do that really easily there is a level when we love people very much um there's a compromise there isn't there okay because i think there has to be i think we all do that as well and as long as we're not doing it with you know people who are criminals or hurt other people or steal from other people or that kind of thing then it's that's all good if it's just something that personally bothers you compromise aware beryl no one's going to judge you for it so paul love um 52 now kid like every other human being on earth right now you have no idea how long you've got left make the most of it like really make the most of it don't be afraid to cut people out of your life don't be afraid afraid to bring people into your life just as important treat yourself better be more aware on your faults and deal with them and stop using past trauma as excuses for not doing the best for you now do the best for you now because i love you and lots of other people love you too and you're worth it so sort out man i've got you back please have mine right uh i'm going to bring this to a close there i think i've said all i needed to say it will certainly help me watching it back and i really do genuinely hope that some of you out there get something from it too not to self hope you read it thanks so much for watching and be excellent to yourself and each other bye paul [Music] you<br><!-- wp:image {"id":1776,"sizeSlug":"large","linkDestination":"none"} -->rn<figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img class="wp-image-1776" src="https://en.videoencontexto.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Note_to_self_and_maybe_you_too_3uXBtNwAXWs.jpg" alt="Note to self (and maybe you too)" /></figure>rn<!-- /wp:image -->[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Note to self (and maybe you too)

Share

Comments (0)

Post a comment